Posts Tagged ‘bride’

This Sunday (Vampire Hunter D) & The Princess Bride

Monday, December 15th, 2008

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Today I lost one more day of my life … This deep internal pain is preventing me fromliving a proper life. Yes I know this bad spiritual soul/state is directly caused by mypast sinful life. I tried to cleanse myself through prayer and fasting. But I’m dirtyagain I have faith in God but living among so many temptations constantly distracts myfaith in our saviour Jesus Christ! I feel like I’m sponding my life on non-essential things.To be honest I don’t have any vision for my future. Day after day I see a dying world around me.I don’t know how to manage myself. When I firstly believe God’s grace was so abundant thatI could do everything and not get tired nowdays things has changed I’m feeling tired all the time.My mind is like completely broken, quite often I feel bad about the fact that my mind hardly memorizesdata. It’s a common thing for me to think about the weakness of the mind and how we tend to forget,and since we forgot then why is all our struggles about. When I look into my life I see vanity, vanityand more vanity the lack of a beloved one to be next to me is something that really withholds me fromliving a happy life, at least that’s the feeling I ever have. The lack of love between peoplethe wild matterialism around makes my life completely empty and meaningful.Let me now summarize my day. I watched two movies Vampire Hunter D (one I remember I have watchedwhen I was a kid) & The princess Bride a nice (fantasy) story about castles, battles love, magic etc. The bad level of my English also quite often makes me feel miserable. It’s a tough job to express yourselfin English. Since I came here in the Netherlands self-confidence became even lower. I’m a type of personwho hardly copes with things alone, like a baby which constantly needs to be baby-sitted.I tried hard to change that but that’s something which is in me since I’m a child. I don’t knowwhat’s the cause of that and most probably it’s my bad wild sinful puberty years.When I think over my life it looks like a distorted pieces of different memories who just flow around.In other words I somehow feel that my life lacks consistency and aim. I feel like quitting this HANuniversity where I am. I really don’t see it as a challenge. The tasks they assign us are completelyuninteresting to me so I can hardly slip into it and enjoy I have bad stuggles everytime I have toprepare a bunch of meaningless project they force us to prepare. For example right now I have a realbad struggles with finding appropriate information about the International Labour Law assignment Final presentation.The task we have is compare Collective Labour Agreement (CLA) of the Netherlands and UK. I tried research onlineabout UK but I feel all the data I found doens’t really makes sense. Everywhere I see a bunch of peoplegoing nowhere. We the people are like a metal cans in a rotting process. I don’t know how the other peoplelearn to accept this. But I cannot it’s just not fare that we are imperfect. I just struggle badly becauseI want to be perfect and consistent. And everything the world converts me to is something wrecked and completelyinconsistent. It seems I cannot find the balance for living a life among society. Quite often I have strongdesires to leave the worldly life and become a monk, ascet or priest. The thing that intervenes with me andprevents me strongly from revealing my human potential is fear. It’s not clear to me why this constant fearhas set me a captive, I believe in Christ Jesus and I remember back when I started believing in Jesus thatfear has departured from me. Now it’s back again in some form. I can’t figure it out if it’s a demon or what is itbut I want it to be out of my life. To be truth I want to be out of this life and be with God. But obviouslyGod still wants me here on earth.END—–