Today I did a lot of stuff… The day was like nightmare … In the morning I had to go to a local medical center where they had to make a picture of my stomach through roentgen scan for that purpose I had to drink a special roengen gruel. The doctor scanned me once and seemed like he saw something not so good, he told me to go to him 2 hours later. In that time I went to the dentist. The previous day I was at his place as well. He said I do have two carieses and one of them is in the last stage so he should kill and extract my tooth nerve, he also had to fill 3 tooths. I haven’t been to a dentist since a child I had completely forgot how terrible it is. I’ve been to his place twice and he filled me two tooths. He also used anaesthetic he had to inject it … I’m so afraid of squirts .. Ugh Scary. However he injected me and put some kind of liquid in the teeth which should kill the tooth nerve, I was strongly against but the dentist told me this is the only way .. In the meantime I also visited a specialist in the field of ears, nose, throat at least that’s how we call him here in Bulgaria, no idea how do they call him in English. The doctor was kind to me. He said that I have a lot of ear mud and need ear washing and he did so, after that they tested me in a special place with a device called audiograph. The method is pretty much primitive. They put you a pair of headset on your ears and play you some voices in case you hear the voice you have to press a button. It happened that my hearing is fine, praise the Lord… It also happened that my stomach is quite okay as well. I have few small buds a sort of body rashes and I wonder what causes them, maybe it is some kind of reaction of my immune system to the better food I eat here in Bulgaria. Yes I forgot. The travel to Bulgaria with Union Ivkoni was quite flawless, thanks to God everything went just fine. I’m into temptations all the time. It seems that the temptations will over at the moment I experience physical death. I experience constant depression and loss of temper and I’m looking for methods to deal with all this nightmareous state. I have mixed my spirit pretty bad with stuff I need that God comes in his might and makes me whole again. Satan and a couple of his devils is trying to completely bring me down this days, the evil one is trying to sow bad thoughts and desires in me, I don’t know how to deal with that he is tempting me to start smoking again and get into old affairs from which I was able to escape only through God’s deliverance, through a lot of fasting and prayers. My head is pretty mixed quite often and I experience spiritual problems … Right now I’m listening to a Christian Industrial band named X-Propagation it’s worthy to check it out. This days I’m eating a lot and I don’t select my food, that’s pretty bad as you can imagine. I feel lost in thoughts and desires my mind is roaming astray, jumping from one to another thing every second. I see the world’s emptiness and the big sadness in it and quite often I have desires to leave all this world behind and become a monk or something. During the day I was thinking how fragile and absurd is human existence, but probably that wasn’t my thoughts but thoughts from satan. I took a shower 20 minutes ago. Now I’m probably soon going to bed. I was feeling desperate through out the day.I feel sick I felt cold all the day, yesterday it was quite similar. Yesterday I was in my aunt and uncle’s house on my aunt’s birthday celebration, there was quite nice. That’s mostly what happens around my poor life. I feel powerless and unmotivated that’s most probably satan’s work … My prayer life is like a little destroyed this days. I just hope on the Lord’s mercy. Today I spend a lot of nerves restoring a huge database from backup 2.2G! Terrible I didn’t wish it to anybody I spend hours until it was fine, later on I had to spend another hour uploading a christmas card on a subdomain heh … In short I really wish if there is no tomorrow but unfortunately most probably there will be one … My teeths pain a bit, ughhh ..END—–
Archive for December, 2008
No desire for blogging, to the dentist, roentgen scan and ears washing
Wednesday, December 24th, 2008This Sunday (Vampire Hunter D) & The Princess Bride
Monday, December 15th, 2008Today I lost one more day of my life … This deep internal pain is preventing me fromliving a proper life. Yes I know this bad spiritual soul/state is directly caused by mypast sinful life. I tried to cleanse myself through prayer and fasting. But I’m dirtyagain I have faith in God but living among so many temptations constantly distracts myfaith in our saviour Jesus Christ! I feel like I’m sponding my life on non-essential things.To be honest I don’t have any vision for my future. Day after day I see a dying world around me.I don’t know how to manage myself. When I firstly believe God’s grace was so abundant thatI could do everything and not get tired nowdays things has changed I’m feeling tired all the time.My mind is like completely broken, quite often I feel bad about the fact that my mind hardly memorizesdata. It’s a common thing for me to think about the weakness of the mind and how we tend to forget,and since we forgot then why is all our struggles about. When I look into my life I see vanity, vanityand more vanity the lack of a beloved one to be next to me is something that really withholds me fromliving a happy life, at least that’s the feeling I ever have. The lack of love between peoplethe wild matterialism around makes my life completely empty and meaningful.Let me now summarize my day. I watched two movies Vampire Hunter D (one I remember I have watchedwhen I was a kid) & The princess Bride a nice (fantasy) story about castles, battles love, magic etc. The bad level of my English also quite often makes me feel miserable. It’s a tough job to express yourselfin English. Since I came here in the Netherlands self-confidence became even lower. I’m a type of personwho hardly copes with things alone, like a baby which constantly needs to be baby-sitted.I tried hard to change that but that’s something which is in me since I’m a child. I don’t knowwhat’s the cause of that and most probably it’s my bad wild sinful puberty years.When I think over my life it looks like a distorted pieces of different memories who just flow around.In other words I somehow feel that my life lacks consistency and aim. I feel like quitting this HANuniversity where I am. I really don’t see it as a challenge. The tasks they assign us are completelyuninteresting to me so I can hardly slip into it and enjoy I have bad stuggles everytime I have toprepare a bunch of meaningless project they force us to prepare. For example right now I have a realbad struggles with finding appropriate information about the International Labour Law assignment Final presentation.The task we have is compare Collective Labour Agreement (CLA) of the Netherlands and UK. I tried research onlineabout UK but I feel all the data I found doens’t really makes sense. Everywhere I see a bunch of peoplegoing nowhere. We the people are like a metal cans in a rotting process. I don’t know how the other peoplelearn to accept this. But I cannot it’s just not fare that we are imperfect. I just struggle badly becauseI want to be perfect and consistent. And everything the world converts me to is something wrecked and completelyinconsistent. It seems I cannot find the balance for living a life among society. Quite often I have strongdesires to leave the worldly life and become a monk, ascet or priest. The thing that intervenes with me andprevents me strongly from revealing my human potential is fear. It’s not clear to me why this constant fearhas set me a captive, I believe in Christ Jesus and I remember back when I started believing in Jesus thatfear has departured from me. Now it’s back again in some form. I can’t figure it out if it’s a demon or what is itbut I want it to be out of my life. To be truth I want to be out of this life and be with God. But obviouslyGod still wants me here on earth.END—–