Archive for September, 2007

A meaningless life – And Ulcer one Heavy Cross I have to wear

Sunday, September 30th, 2007

Suffering from Ulcer gives you so much pain and discomfort and makes you so irritated and nervous. That often you think what the crack, why I ever live. I don't want this suffering anymore but want peace and confort, but I have to bear the heavy cross as the Lord Jesus Christ suffered even worser for our salvation.

Suffering from Deodenum Ulcer is one of the things I don't wish you to suffer from. I've been struggling with this diasease already for years and at certain times when you get worsened you get totally out of your mind!
You can do a lot of things and say a lot of things which eitherwise wouldn't because of this terrible Ulcer diasese but I pray the Lord to forgive me for I have hurted many people because of the sickness. People who suffer from Ulcers are more easy to irritating. Sometimes I wonder why I have to suffer with this Ulcer, after all I'm striving for the good and believe in Jesus Christ who healed ALL kind of diaseses
I know i've done a lot of sins and break up God's commandment and I deserve to suffer but still its hard to accept..

 Oh God have mercy
END—–

FSCK

Saturday, September 29th, 2007

Where is everybody. I’m drunk I’m sick I’m dying I’m gonna fucking kill myself. The end is near nothing can’t stop me now. Where I’m who I’m why do I exist? WHYYYY! I’m drunk today I and Nomen drunked together a wine Asenovgradski Mavrut (red wine) great yeah!. Noone nothing who cares I wanna everyhing to be like in the old times. Mosaik – Rubik fucking rulez!!!!The Lord doesn’t care for me !!! Damn it, noone cares I’m alone ;]]]END—–

Sick again – Hoping God to solve it all – and no desire to study

Thursday, September 27th, 2007

Yesterday I was out for a coffee with Tony an old frined from the Old metal days, after that I went outwith Lily I drinked 200 gr of Vodka and a Beer. I was pretty desparate actually and I got very drunk I got home 04:10 and got to bed at 4:30. What can I say life is hard. Today Mitko called at dinner time and we drinked a coffee on the fountain. The night we went out in the Central park and drinked a beer per man. I’m starting to think about the meaningless of my life again, since my life seems without a real purpose and seems not going nowhere ( we humans are so weak ). Yesterday I have almost taken the decision to suicide. It almost a miracle after I send lily to her home and was going back home with the idea of my mind to suicide. Lily called and said she can’t unlock the door and everyone inside is sleeping and she didn’t want to disturb them. So we spend more than an hour outside. Today I feel terrible physically again. I really can’t take it anymore I need Jesus to bless me with a healing (Save me Holy Lord, Lord Jesus son of the Blessed God have mercy over me the sinner heal me Lord and Deliver me from all sickness and affliction and pain Heal my Soul, Body and Spirit, make me whole to be able to serve you again :[ Amen) My computer went down twice today I have a problem with the cooling. The cooler should be cleaned but I guess this will happen after our Room’s repair is completed. By the way Both Pc-Freak and Jericho are on the terrace. Because repair works are being done into the room. Day after day I ask my self the question when I will be healed again. I do smoke a lot of cigarettes for which I’m ashamed of myself (But it’s an act of desperation). By the way I don’t have any desire to study anymore I’d like to do things with FreeBSD and learn stuff. If God is merciful to me and heals me probably I’ll continue to live otherwise I guess I’ll end badly. Very often come to the point Nobody out there cares, them I feel the presence of God’s spirit I remember the Bible’s instruction towards doubtful mind and try return back to the Faith of the Eternal, It’s like a sort of schizofrenia (I believe, I don’t believe). I’m sure both cannot be true. Very often I think I deserve more but since God’s rightous probably that’s what I deserve. I tried do good for so many people and to care for as much people I’m very discouraged because as a reward I see it like receiving this infirmity and sickness … Something have to change or I’ll be gone …END—–

HRQM Games

Sunday, September 23rd, 2007

The last 3 days in the college we used to have a guest from the Arnhem Business Scholl: Job Thinke.He is a teacher in HRQM (Human Resource and Quality Management). We played a simulator. We choose abusiness to be in. Job, Bozhidar, and two graduating students from Arnhem ( one black girl and one guy from South Africa )were the teachers. We choose an industry (our group was some Open cars producing company). Every peson of the teamhad to participate in taking decisions and writting down the decisions in a decision forms every form was aboutmoney we would invest in things which would lead to accomplish a specific goals we had setted in the beginning of the game,things like hiring more employees promoting some of them etc. etc. were our work. The game was played 3 days and it waslike if we had run a 2 years long business. Our group mistake was that we always thought about things in short terms.In the end of the 2nd year of the game we had a discussion meetings with our higher level employees and it turns outthat we are the poorest team because we always thought about the company in short term instead of long term.During this 3 days there was also some funny games for developing concentration and thinking and improvingcommunication skills. In general I think the whole think was a great loss of time, but I’m a strange person …Most of the ppl liked involved from IBMS and Hotel Management liked the game very much.END—–

Life going nowhere …

Sunday, September 23rd, 2007

Meaningless_life-picture

Seems, My life is going nowhere. Today I drinked half of a bottle of Wine and 1 beer. I was out with Alex. We drinked in the city park. Through the day I started my first bsd jail using a tutorial online. I smoked a lot of cigarettes and I want to stop them again. Most of the people I met are not a good company for me that's what I'm thinking more and more. Also I'm thinking more and more I have to change my living place. If only I could find the love of my life … We moved bookshelf and stuff from our room ( My mother again has decided to make repairs in our room. ). I'm asking myself why shall I live a meaningless life. At least my interest into computers and computing started to appear again (this is cool). My faith is really going away since I pray and pray for something .. and I don't receive it ( Or at least I don't see it). I'm tired of waiting. I need to have this physical healing to continue my normal life. I'm not proud of me I was a little aggressive when we was in the Mino's coffee before an hour or so … Now I intend to watch another episode of stargate SG1. And to go to the DreamLand. If only I could live into a Dreamland all the time. I'm starting to realize I should change the music I listen, I should change a lot of my behaviours If I want to have a new and happy life. Autumn is a beautiful Season 🙂 The autumn rain shall come and restore us :)END—–

Scene Music radio ( Mod,XM, S3m etc. Radio )!

Tuesday, September 18th, 2007

Something I have long thought about a Tracking Music Radio. Enjoy!http://www.scenemusic.eu/END—–

Mosaik

Tuesday, September 18th, 2007

Check this out! http://www.scene.org/~radix/mosaik/index.php Great music, Great site Design! 🙂

Kragulevo’s Trip :)

Thursday, September 13th, 2007

Yesterday Night me and Nomen decided to spend the night in the house on my village “Kragulevo”. It’s a nice place to be.We drinked beer smoked cigarettes have a walk around the village after we arrived somewhere around 21:40. In the morning we decided to go to the forest it was a hard job to wake up Nomen, all the time he was repeating “Please leave me to sleep more 5 minutes” and after 5 minutes the same sentence. In the end I 20 or 30 minutes later get out of bed. We drinked coffee and walked in the beginning of the Wood (It’s recharging). in 08:15 after a 20 or 25 minutes walk we went back to Dobrich. Yesterday I went to a Doctor because I have a constant pains around my stomach. He assigned me some health tests for tomorrow. I hope God hasn’t allowed that I had a serious sickness. Kragulevo is connected with a lot of memories from my young years. I’m regretting a lot I didn’t spend more time during the last summers when I was still going to school. I remember so many great moments with my Grandpa ( Peace be upon him. ). And I miss him a lot Grandpa Marin ( Mino ). Was a great example for me for a lot of things like attitude towards live, love towards beings and also ppl service. Actually now After I believed I realise this virtues match perfect with some recommendations the St. Apostles give for us to live to be a pleasent in the eyes of the Lord God.END—–

Vodka! :)

Wednesday, September 12th, 2007

Yesterday I drinked 200 gr. of Vodka yesterday Night, it was pretty refreshing for me but I got drunk a little.I'm smoking again … Things are going bad in my life recently. I have health issues. And I intend to go to doctor today.Yesterday I went to the polyclinic but my personal Dr. Nikolay  was not there (I was angry, I went to doctor once in years and he is not there) so I'll try again today. I had pains somewhere around the stomach. At least at work things are going smoothly at least God hears my prayers about this. I'm very confused and I have completely no idea what to do with my life. Yesterday I was out with Lily and Kiril on the fountain. The previous day Nomen, I, Yavor, Kiro and Bino went to the "Kobaklyka" (a woody place which is close to Dobrich.) Well that's most of what's happening lately with my life. I wrote a little script to make that nautilus to get restarted if it starts burning the cpu. It's a dumb script (the bad thing is that I'm loosing form scripting, Well I don't script much lately). Here is the script http://pcfreak.d-bg.net/bshscr/restart_nautilus.sh https://pc-freak.net/bshscr/restart_nautilus.sh. The days before the 4 days weekend, I hat to spend a lot of time on one of the servers fighting with Spammers. Hate spammers really! I ended removing bounce messages at all for one of the domains, which fixed the bounce spam method spammers use (btw qmail's chkuser seems to not work properly for some reason) … Also I started watching Stargate – SG1. First I thought it's a stupid sci-fi serial. But after the first serie I now think it has it's good moments :]. Also I had something like a Mortification Day going on during Monday. The whole day I listened to Mortification (The first Christian Death Metal Band). I Liked much the "Hammer of God" album. In the evening Sabin (Bino) came home and we watched some Mortification videos at Youtube. Right now I listen again to "Ever – Idyll" a pretty great song. And yeah I keep listening to ChristianIndustrial.net a lot, a great radio. Try it if you haven't!END—–

God’s mercy

Thursday, September 6th, 2007

Glory be to the Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit! The Lord is very merciful. I’ve thinked a lot about my life.And I’ve realized that I’ve done many mistakes and that I don’t strive to hear his voice. Nor to follow his path formy life. So recently I’m praying for the Lord to guide me and teach me how to hear and understand his voice!As he said in the Holy Bible: “My sheeps hear my voice”. He have to teach me howto hear his voice.Also I’ve prayed few days ago about a sallary increase and Hallelujah! Today When I went to Varna I saw howthe lord heard my prayer I have a sallary increase. But I was increadibly happy because the Lord is hearing my prayers.Currently I think that God is healing my physical sickness. For which Glory be to Him The One Ever Living Lord and Our Lord Jesus Christ. Also I was very happy that a friend (Stoian) with which we discussed the topics of Our Faith the last Yeastern has received Christ as a Saviour. And is also going to the Orthodox Church. He has something I have lost a lot of days before the Fire in me the Lord has fired when I believed. Thanks Lord ! for every mercy and blessing you’re doing towards me.Mostly the last days I start realizing that we are so sinful and our minds are so deluded that we try to explain The Existence of God ( Something I tried to do for a very long time ), without actually seeking God but using our human knowledge and understanding. Let God not give me to do this anymore. Blessed, Blessed, Blessed are you Lord Shabbaoth Glory to your Heavenly Throne! I even smiled today looking at the sky :] God is merciful!!! END—–