I was born in a small town in Bulgaria, in a time of communism and enslaved minds on the 08.10.1983.
In my childhood at first i was suffering from deep maniacal depression and complexes
that could not be explained with some particular reason. I hated to go out with children
like myself and was a suffering from greed for knowledge. People used to call me
the "questioner". Cause most of the time i was asking a questions. All i've do at this
age wasn't enough for me, I'd strongly disliked girls and was shaming from the whole
big unknown world. I was sick most of the time and they used to "fix" meself with various
drugs. This was most of the cases since i become a 7 years old boy and got some friends,
that happened when i was with my grandma in our local town village.
This was the time i was becoming to express my feelings at last
Neither that i was still feeling the whole world was staring
at me and laughing at my mindles brain that was making me sick and there were two sides at
me the one that wanna go out with friends play football play hiding games and all the
childish usual stuff the other one was dark, depressed falled deeper in me
disliking and ignoring all the stuff humanity would admire. I started going to school
when i was 7 years old. The little friendship i've developed turned to a human hatretism again.
Then one day we were out with my grandma and i've saw a people playing some strange
machinary games maniacally clicking shooting having fun. I got interested in that.
It was just a game but it was so real and fun and private ... At first it was just
a passion then it become my religion. It was so selfinvolved to kill this and that to get
better and humans have nothing to do with it . After a few months i get addicted.
I was spending all my time on those electronic games. Getting better and better conquering
a new universes. Universes in which i was a hero. The more addicted i've become
the less i thought about my school stuff and the more i've played and played and played ...
It was then the time in which my parents does discover my maniacal addiction and since
all that was useless stuff. They stopped giving me money. Started treating me bad etc.
As i didn't have finances to play i was to the bottom so i stall a few times a little
money from them. (Good heavens they didn't discover that.)
So i can play. The addiction continued ... the bad feelings inside me
still were there but was sleeping deeper as my mania does satisfies meself for this exact
moment. I had some exams and went to a Mathematical School. This was in my 5th grade.
It was a hard years, the study there was much more compared to the simple school i was before.
All i do was play.. In my class there were a few people who were a little
different from others talking about computers. Computers does sound fun cause it was a rare
thing at that time and the thing i've played some computer games
since times on a 8 bit machine, the idea i can have games at home similar to the big
machines with coins sounded bizarre to me. There was also something other
i was seeking for a concurent worlds to those we live in because it was boring
and we people going to school, working doing whatever it is were just enslaved by
a reality i didn't like, reality was creepy, simple, all that scared me.
The Admiration of the undefined stuff does make me develop interests to computers.
One of my friends have a machine and it was even faster for that time it was a i386 box.
This happens at summer time of year 1996 the machine was SX on 40 mhz with black & white vga.
It have so great games i was passioned. I've spent days with him playing
on that fun thing called computer.
We played games like Double Dragon, Tie Fighter, Risky the wood, Street Fighter.
I dind't have a computer then and don't have much opportunities to get a good machine
the machines then were expensive like hell and my parents had a pretty
old fashioned minds. After a few months pleasing and begging at my parents
to pick me up a computer. At last they've took me one. It was a slow old XT 8086 machine
with a CGA monitor and a 21mbytes disk storage. I though this machine would be enough
to play the games we've played on my friend's computer but the truth was not.
the machine was slow the monitor support from the new games was lacking completely ...
Although that there were some games that does worked for me most of the games didn't.
Then i started learning
DOS ( Disk Operating System ). There was no other way to have my games up and running
i needed a way to copy them from my 360kb 5.25 inch diskettes to the hard drive to manage
them run them and look over the whole place called a file system.
I was learning faster all i need was understand that things so i can play.
Actually i find out that it was fun to play with DOS the machine was "moving".
and it was great. My friends involved into computers were moving either we often shared a
knowledge we gained alone or by experiments at our homes, that was fun either.
The guy that has a 386 box was already into programming and knew most of the conceptions
of DOS. So he explained to us some interesting stuff like what does the computer contain
a simple basics of working of a machine etc. He showed us some of his games.
Although there primitivity, it was interesting to see such a stuff cause of it was
something you can create from the useless machine something great cause it's yours.
I learned a little BASIC for which my friend helped me a lot. At the same time we learned
a Turbo Pascal at school but we were doing just a boring stuff so pascal looked
useless to me. My friend was involved into informatical championships and was a
really good for his age so he started explaining me about how to program
optimal, how should the code look good and to be nice for reading from other people.
I went to a informatic championship and get a 2nd place this was amazing.
It was a luck. For one of the first times in my life i felt happy from
that i've done... Then after a year or two. Something happened we discovered
the real life .. music cigarettes alcohol. And more especially music,
the Metal style in music. It was cool it was passing well with our conditions
and our ex-computer geeked minds;]. A little of time since that happened i've
got my new intel 166mhz box it was astonishing the new games were working well etc.
i've played half a year all the time then we've become a music maniacs and stopped using
computers and started to go out with other metal fans. We got our first girls.
That was almost everything we could think of at that time. There were a smart ppl around
most of the hardcore and metal fans were hidden geeks interested in strange things
and we were too ... The live music that some local groups like Alegoria was making
was a bit of culmination and being on a concerts was really "killing".
Then after maybe a 1 year or 2. My friend got changed himself, all he was thinking was
sex girls alcohol the music went on a backstage. He started changing his way of
dressing so the girls would like him more cause most of them dislike the metal culture,
Started going out to discoteques and i stopped go out with him cause i was still
a metal fan from inside and still i am. I needed something new to fix the emptyness from our friendship.
That thing were the computers again. I remembered my old passion and started
seriously to develop my knowledge. I heard of linux and put redhat 6.0 on my box.
And started experimenting with the shit it worked well although the gui was full of bugs especially
the gnome was core dumping like hell. I was interested into linux because it was free of charge and people
said that it is the truth OS cause it is stable, the stability comes with it cryptic
structure, cryptic cause i haven't saw a different conception for OS from DOS or windows.
First i've experimented with a DOS commands on the linux box. some of them were working.
I heard about a people who hate publicity and love to interact with machines and show
their personalities in a strange way. That inprisoned my mind i wanted to be one of these
guys and linux was the perfect circle between hacking computer advancing and
selfdevelopment. Linux was rare too and not enough observed and i stuck seriously for all that.
The idea i can use the net under linux does obsess me. And i started reading all the time
with the idea i can use net under a different OS i wanted to run an irc bot cause
the artificial intelligent was always attractive to me. But there was a problem.
And the problem was that my machine have hware most of which is integrated
and there are less drivers for integrated devices under linux.
There was a conflicts between the modem and the mouse so the modem didn't initializes
properly my soundcard worked just with midis the mp3s does core dumped the mp3 player.
the graphic enviroument looks ugly. But that didn't stopped me and i continued learning
the OS playing with it on localhost. reading manuals info pages etc.
One day i've got a lan card and stick for one of the local ISPs. After a less than month i've already
have the knowledge to run my box under linux so i did that it was redhat 7.1.
net under linux was much more fun there was a tons of thing to learn about a stuff to
explore. After a few months i get addicted. I advanced myself at first very fastly
then continued to read for the problems i've already solved sinking deeper into them.
Learning compiling text editors base commands...etc. At the same time although i wanted
to learn computer science but that didn't happened. This happens somewhere at the end of the year 2000.
I was already in a university studying a thing i didn't have idea of because
i've got bad results on my candidate student exams and that was all because i was
spending all my time in listening music drinking and not putting enough effort on maths
Actually i never was a fan of math it is a sort of science that is too straight forward and not enough abstract for meself.
and which i've hated when i was in a high school due to a math techer who hated me. The sad thing in the story was that in bulgaria
things are made in such a shitty way so if you are good at something you don't have much an
opportunities to advance yourself at that for it nomatter that you can be genius at it ( sad ).
In my lifetime i've many unhappy loves with girls. I almost always does fell in love
with them then something just goes wrong and they don't like me anymore then i
depress myself and all i do is stay infront of the comp reading and hacking all the time
till my feelings went to /dev/null.
Talking about hacking since the last 2 and a half years hacking was a sort of religion
to me i do hack in all meanings I could imagine it is possible you know, you can hack your food too?!:]
From around a year and a half i'm keen on VMS especially OpenVMS it is freely available
under the hobbyist license. VMS is a DEC's ex-OS which is one of the 7 OSes loved by
hackers VMS is not unix/windows/dos/bsd etc. So it historical Value is uniq.
Under VMS your data could be really secure and you can sleep well hackers is not much of a point there.
It's one of the most secure OSes in the world. If interested check out
http://deathrow.vistech.net where you can read how to get a freely available
OpenVMS account. Talking about computers again i must say that i want to develop
myself in the sphere of computer clustering and computer security. Computer security
is one of my favourite part of computers at all ( Ya know faking a MTF box is cool! ).
Stuff like VxWorks / PDPs and Primus does absolutely inspire me.
Exploring such a barracks is like exploring the future from the past ...
I've got many interest much of them are in: phylosophy,psychology,physics,history,
literature. I've always wanted to have a group of people with which we can advance
in a tribal way and help each other. As talking of trible i'm a big fan of the indean dances
and culture. If i've got a choice i'll probably move to brazil in a some rain forests, or other desert place.
People there are much natural ( primitive ) which i adore and respect.
The respect is the key in human friendship. So we gotta respect each other.
By the way i'm a very very keen on Doom 2 this is MTF cult for me. So D00m The Planet!
I think that you don't need to be a genius to be a good man. But a mind developing is
one of the things that are important cause on that thing depends our way of life ,future
culture religion etcetera. It's a thing we shall stuck for cause we exist about all that.
I don't like people that just spend most of there time doing nothing. ( too sad most of the ppl
do that ). I like to help to ppl nomatter what kind of ppl we are talking about, but if i see that
the man/women is a desperate case then i drop all connections with her/him and give em a finger.
The time goes and nothing changes except my mind doesn't assimilate information well anymore
at last it is overflowed of all that stuff that happened to me and all that stuff
i've learned and learning. Currently i'm studying a "stock knowledge" in the
Economical University in Varna and working as a sysadmin at design.bg.
( BTW I hate Designers They make me sick ! and have brain less than a farmer's !)
Yep farmers are smart;] Don't you know.?!:]
I dislike people who yell and scream ( ppl who can't express themself in a normal way like
my mom ), hate snobs too. Love to go to the cemeteries ( especially after midnight -
you can't find such a solitude anywhere but there. ).
I Like drinking wine in a forests or natural places. Anyway I dislike most of the alcohol at all
Except wine, vodka and beer. I do smoke but hate smoking at all it makes me sick
i smoke cause i don't have a nice thing to do to loose my time ...
Then dramatically my life started to change. The change does not occure in the physical world.
I never believed that there is really God. I used to be evolutionist I believed in Darwin's
Theory about the development of Species through a tremendous time line while micro organisms have evolved to complex organisms like (humans). Anywayz I started resarch on the theme of religion. And started reading the bible
with the main goal to prove it is the next well formed lie produced by humans to confort there hard existence. Well some time later maybe 10 months or so later,
I was still researching on the theme of the Bible and is there God. And what is the real
meaning of my existence. Up to that moment i was absolutely disbelieving in everyhing
taught by anyone, I was a sort of paranoid. I teneded not to believe anyone and was putting everything under doubt.
I was so in paranoical that I sometimes was disbelieving that I do really exist. Is there reality at all? What is reality ...
I loved to mock Christians about there belief in God.
I was so lost and thinking all time about suicide this days ... later I realized that I used to be some type of nihilist then.
I thought our whole existence is a bunch of meaningless stuff then we die and that DEATH is the absolute end. The only thing that stopped me really not to commit suicide was the questions Is there God or not? Cause if God was real I would end up in hell eventually and won't succeed in ending of my existence completely as my intension was. I can remember I red some christians FAQ ( Frequently Asked Questions ) some of this dark days. And there at the end of the site was a link claiming that Jesus Christ is a Saviour and died for our sins on cross because of his love to us 2000 years ago the site also said that if we believe he is the son of God and want him to change our life and save us for Eternity in Heaven and forgive our sins, God would hear and forgive us because he already gave Jesus (his beloved only son) to die for us and through faith in his sacrifice for our sins to receive access to God the father who is the author of all reality we observe and we live in. It's as simple as to repent for your sins and welcome him in your life. I tried to do something like repentence although I didn't believed all this crap that I've red. I said to God this night "God if you're real then show me yourself why everything in the world proofs you didn't exist, why there is so much suffering in the world ... etc. a lot of things that was tormenting me most of my time. Ofcourse I expected that if there is God something would happen immediately like let's say God himself showing from the dark :]. For my astonishment Nothing happened in that night after I've "prayed" so I thought in myself "Yes there is no God! I was right! It's all useless". So I continued living each next day with the hope of death to come as soon as possible and to let me out of the meaningless existence of this life or if that doesn't happen soon I was thinking of possible different ways to use to commit "the perfect" suicide. So one day in which I had some time to read the Bible (Cause I have not still red the whole book) and was reading with the intension to know what's in there and possibly mock christians even better than before about there stupidity cause I was very proud of my "High intellectual Level". One day when I was at my workplace in design.bg and was reading the bible spontaneously something happened to me. I remember I started talking to a friend I was communicating with through ICQ that I'm already a Christian and that I believe in God. He thought I have lost my mind! Even I thought I'm loosing my mind. Like I knoweth I'm already Christian having no idea what do I speak about?. Few hours later I get out of my work place (I work as System Administrator in http://design.bg). I was on my way to have a dinner. And a great unknown up to that moment for me joy come over me this *thing* was coming FROM ABOVE, FROM HEAVEN. Things around me were absolutely the same like the things that were every single day when I was going for a dinner all of my problems were still there but nothing mattered to me it during all this time I was feeling like everything is gonna be okay (it was not like the ordinar human feelings, it was something completely different and unknown to me) this feeling was not coming from my organism it was coming from some external source I was stressed cause it was not coming from anything which is near me ( no physical objects was around me during all this time). I was so joyful that I was almost laughing and could not stop my laugh from joy for no obvious reason I was all the time thinking just one simple thing in my mind "The Grace of Jesus". Something very strange happened. I was walking and thinking of the things I read in the Bible. And specifically I was thinking about the grace of Jesus. Later the same day I remember I was walking through my way to the bus station to catch the bus for Dobrich I was not walking like other times in confusion in darkness and meaningless not knowing where I am going to and why but I was walking like i'm already walking in the right way. I was feeling very strange I felt like radiated of love. Nomatter I was alone no person or friend was near. I felt something strange inside me. Everything around me was like electricised. I was thinking well this is God why doesn't others see this thing it is so Big there is no way that everybody around me doesn't feel this. It can't be mistaken. He is real. I was feeling the best word to describe is beautiful. Felt so free to do things in my life. I was not feeling empty/spiritually dead as before. That was the time I believed in God and he (Praise be to Him) started changing me day after day since then. I discovered He is hearing my prayers and things connected with some of my prayers started to change stuff about me and people around. It's cool to have The All Powerful God living in you an ordinar man created by Him. I later realised that the Holy Spirit The Bible teaches about is that strange thing I already felt and was feeling in me. I asked then a friends of mine who classified themselves as Christian Metals "Do you feel the Holy Spirit in you?" they confirmed. I was stressed I can't believed Christ's teaching was real the bible was real and there was God it was not just a religious bull shit as I thought before. Since then Jesus has delivered me from some of my problems mainly psychological he removed some of my shyness I was suffering of and a dozen of things that was making me feel bad when being with unknown people around me. I later started to realize a lot of my problems are because I was possessed by the so called Daemons the bible talks about that Jesus and his desciples were freeing the people from. I realized some of this Daemons who were influencing my thoughts philosophy making me miserable were cast away by my Saviour and Lord Jesus Christ cause I was willful to start to obey and live the life that God has told us to live and it is recorded in the Holy Bible. One day few weeks after I wake up and I was completely different person. I was the same but my mind was somehow clear I was not feeling the pain I was living with. Well it can't be explained by exact words you just gotta go through this to understand me completely. I felt so ALIVE willing to LIVE. So since then the Holy Spirit is in me PRAISE be to our Father who is In heaven through his only begotten son Christ Jesus who is the only way to know God personally Amen. It's written in the Bible that the "Holy Spirit" is the spirt of Christ. So I know Jesus Christ personally now and through knowing him I also know Our Heavenly Father and his Holy Spirit. The trinity God (The Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit) is a Great and loving God. He is showing me mercy also it's a common thing I do sin in front him and infront the Heaven. Everyone can know him the way I did if only repent for his sins in front of him and start to seek Him. The word of God is written in the "Holy Bible" it is written. "If you seek me with all your heart you'll find me and I'll be your God and you'll be my Sons and Daughters." And the infallable word of God has proofed it's trueness for me as you can read in this testimony. Glory Be to Him who Created everything visible and invisible. I pray this testimony to help you find him If you're really seeking him with all your mind, soul and spirit. And let God manifest his existence while you're reading this and show you that he is really what he says he is Jesus Christ said: "I'm the Truth, The Way and the Life noone comes to my Heavenly Father except through me!". Amen The End :]
P.S. Groups listed are not in order in which i most like 'em :]